Sunday, Mar. 4th 2012 7:08 PM
I am a happy guy. I?m happy with my life, my partner and my family. And I strive to make my loved ones happy as well. Happiness is also a measure by which I evaluate what (and who) is working well in my life. Whether it?s my relationship, or my work, generally speaking, if it doesn?t make me happy on more days than it makes me unhappy, I?d rather do something else. Yes, this is a selfish perspective, but as I?ve said before, we?re all selfish.
A reader with a strong opinion that generally opposes mine recently asked, ?Where is it written that happiness and good feelings are the ultimate experience and end-game??
He?s right. None of us are under any obligation to choose happiness as a guiding principle. We all have the opportunity to set our own priorities and to decide what our end-goals should be in life. Some of us choose outright happiness. Some choose misery. Some choose martyrdom, or to fight for a cause. Some choose to prioritize others. Some choose to prioritize themselves. I do, and I hope that you do as well. And I wish the best to everyone as they embark on their journeys to self-actualization.
The same goes for relationships. People get into long-term relationships for a plethora of reasons ? love, status, companionship, parenting, politics, etc. And we stay in or leave our relationships for a diverse set of reasons. Me? My happiness dictates whether I stay or go. This may not be a relationship qualification for everyone. However, I think it is safe to say that we all strive, consciously or unconsciously, for some degree of contentment. That contentment might not mean that you walk around with a big smile on your face, but if nothing else, it could simply be happiness in achieving whatever goal you have set for your relationship ? in other words, what you value.
In response to the reader I mentioned above, another gentleman cited a recent Psychology Today article, which noted that happiness does not come from doing whatever we want at a given point in time but by keeping to our values. I agree. However, I don?t believe there to be any homogenous or universal values. Even such seemingly-universal values such as respect for human life and property, meaning that it?s not OK to steal or kill, go out the window in certain circumstances, or for certain people. If it?s kill or be killed (or have your family killed), lots of virtuous people would pull the trigger.
Ultimately, there are things that I value and things that you value. Sometimes they are the same, and sometimes they are not. And there is nothing wrong with that. When we accept that different people value different things ? even our partners or close friends ? we may also realize that we do not have to conform in order to be legitimate or worthy.
Values, like everything in life, are also fluid. They can change over time. Just because your mate flips the script and wants to change your relationship doesn?t mean that he/she doesn?t have any values ? just that he/she values something you don?t. And just because you want to renegotiate your relationship doesn?t mean that you have lost your mind or that you should be shameful or made to feel that way. It simply means that your values have changed. Hey, it happens to the best of us. And in order to be an accepting, Powerful Person in a Partnership, I would never ask my mate to cement her values in order to make me feel more safe and secure. Her values are her own, just as mine are my own, and I have no desire to put her in a box so that I don?t have to worry about any surprises.
So, while you are certainly under no obligation to anyone, not even yourself, to be happy, you will seek some level of contentment based on what you value. Enjoy your journey.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
www.FrankLove.com
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